Last night I was sitting at home watching television when I thought of something for which I might write about. What that was I couldn't tell you this morning because I can't remember. That is why it is important to write down what I am thinking at the time that I am thinking whatever "it" is.
I dreamed last night about my friend Denise. Denise is a woman with whom I worked back in the 1990's. She is an upbeat, wonderful person. An artist, a mom, a wife, a friend, a friend of animals. She is someone that everyone wants to be around because she is definitely a very upbeat woman. It is hard to imagine that she is older than me because she never has seemed to be anything but my age. She has had her share of pitfalls and pratfalls, but for her she has always had a smile on her face and words of encouragement.
When I met her she was a director at the Fresno Chamber of Commerce. I didn't work directly for her, but around her and she was definitely what the Chamber of Commerce needed - a manager with a smile who could put that smile forward and say "No" to someone but leave that person feeling ok with being told "No." She was able to get a lot done and for the time was important to the cause of keeping the Chamber momentum going forward even though the Executive Director was an ass. I spent time with her. I got to know her and her kids. She was in a marriage that sucked and eventually ended in divorce - a good thing for her.
Denise met and fell in love with a man who really has taken good care of her - who has loved her and provided her with a life that most women would want to live. Most men would want to live it, too. She lost her mom to death many years ago, and while her father is still alive and happy in his 90's, she admitted to me recently that she has had a good life.
My dream last night was because I am concerned about her. A couple years or so ago Denise had a stroke. It was debilitating, but she has recovered most of her bodily abilities back. However, when I spoke with her the other night she told me that she had been to the doctor and that blood is not getting to a part of her brain and that is why she has been stumbling and falling down. The doctor put her on medication that will eliminate her platelets so that she can't ride her horse because if she falls internal bleeding won't be able to stop. If she cuts her finger while cooking she won't stop bleeding.
It is possible that this medical condition can't be reversed and Denise will have another stroke or whatever. It was interesting talking to her because she told me that she has had a great life. She has great kids and grand kids. She has a great husband. And while her horse - Sky - is what helped her recover from the stroke it isn't necessarily going to help her with the situation as it is now.
I dreamed last night wondering how she is doing. I am going to have to call her again because I want to know - for Denise is special in my life - she is the first person I told of my being gay. I remember the moment when I told her - fearful for her reaction - and relieved when she said "So what?" She helped me to realize that it was ok that I am gay.
My telling her came about because I had met a guy and I wanted to call him. I asked if I could use her phone (this was before cell phones were common) and she said "Who are you going to call?" I replied that I couldn't tell her and she said, "You can't use my phone unless you tell me who you are calling." I then took a deep breath and wondered how I was going to get out of this one - then having figured it out told her "I am gay and I want to call a man I met." After that she let me use the phone.
She let me know that they knew I was gay or had figured out I was - "they" being those at work. It was refreshing to know that I wasn't being looked down upon for being gay. It wouldn't be much longer before I'd tell my mom, but knowing that Denise was there for me at that time and supportive was a great help.
I tossed and turned a lot last night. Maybe it was because I slept with the sliding glass door open and I heard more of the noises than I hear when it is shut, but I know that in between bouts of sleeping I was dreaming about Denise and being concerned about Larry, her husband, who will be there for her as long as she is around. Denise knows that if there is no return that life will come to an end, even if she brings it on herself. No matter what I am ever so grateful to Denise for making my life a bit easier, and for having an effect on me which lasts to this day.
Friends are like this - There are friends who are with you from the moment they meet you and decide they are your friend. Friends can be friends for a long time - until death. I know that there are people with whom I am friends that I will probably never see again, but that doesn't diminish the friendship.
I look back and in my life friends have come and gone - school friends, church friends, neighborhood friends - in my adult working life here I have only lost really a few friends. I lost two people who were my best friends at the time I was using drugs and probably another person or two can be added to that list. People leave for different reasons. I am sorry that I may have caused a problem for them to be associated with me - but it is realistic that some people don't want to be around people with issues. It is easier to diss them than it is to be around them when the chips are down - especially when drugs or alcohol are involved.
My mom recently asked me if I have heard from these ex-best friends. We have friends in common, so I know a little of what they are up to. I admit that I do miss them, but it was their decision to part ways and I have to respect their decision. There have been attempts to reunite, mostly because my mother tried to push it, but it never happened. It is easier to be away from someone than it is to get back together because how do you make up for that lost time, do you say anything about what caused the rift? I figure they are happier without me and I am happier without them. I have great friends that I do stuff with now and I don't feel like I am being taken advantage of by my friends, which I came to believe was the case with those friends, anyway. That said, I harbor no grudges against them for their decision.
Just remember that we are all unique and in time there will be issues that you may need to confront with yourself or with friends - but don't hide. I know that I'm guilty of this even to this day - I met a guy online and when I talked with him and discovered that he does have issues with his speech I haven't returned his call or even communicated to him online - why, because he is different and do I want to be with someone who isn't "normal?" Anyway, that is for another time to talk about - but I know that we tend to run when something happens to someone else and that isn't fair to ourselves and especially not to that person.
In conclusion - the moral to the story is to start being the way we want to be to others as we want others to be to us. Easier said than done, unfortunately!
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